My mind seemed like it was on the brink of snapping into two. Missionary stress is a normal thing, but pile it with recent tragedies, a lack of faith, bottles and bottles of medicine, and an inability to socialize with other missionaries and members and you have yourself... me!
Life was hard. Life is still hard. Over these last couple of days, I have been trying to find myself. It isn't easy. No one said it'd be. These two years that the Church has given me has been a time of the deepest reflection in both spirit and in self.
Who am I? What am I doing here? Where am I going after I'm done here?
It seems like I need to be teaching myself what the Church is teaching...
Anywho, for the LONGEST time, I saw myself as someone sad-- someone unwilling to change and to conform with society-- in a nutshell, a teenager... except, I'm nineteen years old. Not only that, I'm a comparer. More about that will be explained.
The way a majority of us think is that there are a ton of people who have life handed to them-- you cannot perceive a single enemy that they might have, they're loved by their still-together parents, they have many a friend to rely on, they're fit, they're liked by all the grown-ups, and they're sitting comfortably in their two-story home with a white picket fence and a beagle always liking him or her hello. It can seem a little hard comparing oneself to someone like that.
Happy people are fine with everything-- faith comes easy for them due to the minimal effort they have to exert. They grew up well and were associated with good people all their lives. As for the downtrodden and morose, everything seems irrationally difficult-- every little task seems impossible.
Now, happy people struggle too, but they can contain their frustrations and exhibit a face conveying quite a scare of a change-- a face that really isn't theirs, but of a happy person. Us, people who keep to themselves, cannot but to exhibit how we genuinely feel-- honest souls. Those acting sad probably have inside them an even greater sadness they wouldn't share with people they don't trust-- that's not very many people in these people's eyes.
These quiet ones have minds filled with so much resentment, lack of self-esteem, and disillusion that they cannot function properly without outside help. There'll be denial-- unwillingness for treatment. Normal is boring. Normal is mundane. Normal-- is too normal.
Sounds familiar? You or someone you know? The thing is, we who struggle with life daily-- are meant for greater growth. It's just that there are a bunch of obstacles in our way that impedes our progress. A ton of people were like this-- Emma Smith, for one. Then, there were the transcendentalists and also the "lost generation." We're in good company.
The struggle in finding ourselves and for spiritual folks, finding a testimony of what seems to be the truth, is an ongoing battle. I can recount when my faith has shaken quite a bit-- yet, there was something that sustained me from then till now.
Couple of pointers I would like to give to those struggling with such is this:
- Remember why you're doing what you're doing-- is it for a worthy cause? Will it aim to help both yourself and your peers?
- Motivation-- think about what drives you to do what you're doing. Make sure it's firm.
- Patience-- it's always mentioned, but it's very much needed to progress in the field that you're working in.
- Know who you are. You have infinite potential and you can do whatever you set your mind to do... just don't procrastinate for too long.
- Goals! Set goals and make plans. That way, your future can be within your grasp.
As a missionary, it's definitely helped me do all these things, even if it was the harder route. It's extremely gratifying, most of all, to know that whatever I'm doing, I do have the support of so many people. Remember who you are. Remember who you are. Remember who you are.
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