The Quaking Within

Many people struggle with the fact that they may be members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but not really have a strong witness of its truth.

• Joseph Smith is a prophet, seer, and revelator.
• The book of Doctrine and Covenants are continued revelation of God to His servant(s).
• The Book of Mormon is actually another testament of Jesus Christ in the Americas.
• [Write current Church President Here] is a living prophet, guiding us today.
• God and Jesus Christ live.
• We are all spirit sons and daughters of a perfect, immortal heavenly Father.
• The Atonement of Christ enables us that opportunity to live with God again in heaven.

It's really hard that many, even other Christians, have to deal with the fact that their discipleship to Christ isn't as easy as one may expect.  Many sacrifices are made and many are shunned, frowned upon, and more or less disliked for their convictions.  It leads to the fact that one questions his or herself.

Planting the seed of cynicism

Personally, I have gone through a very similar trial not too long ago.  A bit after I first came out to California, there was an Iago-esque voice that would whisper to me a question: "what do you believe?"  While I was still rather fresh as a missionary and even before that, I had a strong confirmation that I believe in the Church of Jesus Christ and its restoration-- through it, I had a lot of things going for me.  Life was more or less pretty awesome as a missionary.

Slowly, though, this idea was aurally impregnated and grew.  The birthchild was that of doubt and question that arose in my mind-- missionaries are no exceptions to the fact that their faith will be tested.  I couldn't respond correctly to the questions of potential converts, both in English and Korean.  I couldn't testify, even if I wanted to.  I worked as hard as I could, obeying all that God and my mission president* asked me to do, but I had a feeling that something was missing-- something direly important.  The little whispers gravely wounded the mouth of the still small voice.

Alarmed, I was praying to my Father in Heaven about how this came to be-- not too long ago, my faith was burning like a wildfire, consuming sin and iniquity in its path (a bit exaggerated:P).  Now, it seemed as if I was a husk of a harborer that the Lord wanted me to be-- the Holy Ghost wasn't very strong, if at all, and my mouth was confounded before everyone.  Honestly, I felt like my time to return home had come-- my faith was cut down by the world and I felt like with what little remained, I could do much good at home, advising and counseling those who had similar problems.

A simple talk with a friend and a renewed sense of urgency to teach and learn later, I studied the Bible and the talks from General Conference as much as a missionary could during his free time.  There was never anything that really hit me as did the 24th verse in the 9th chapter in the book of Mark: "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief."  I knew that this Church had so much good in it, but the powers of disillusionment and darkness were seeping into my soul.  With prayer and study to rekindle the once strong faith, I still have yet to find a strong, spiritual witness-- I did hope.  How else was I to do the work without a strong conviction?

To be quite frank, sure the resources that the church has were pretty awesome when it came to just studying up a firmer foundation of knowledge and assurance, but the real battle, the conflict in my head, was still raging.  The belligerent wasn't going to give up with a few good reads.  In several weeks' time, though, I came across a rather unexpected piece of literature-- it wasn't a Bible nor was it a thing of all the church leaders' sermons in a single anthology.  No, it was a manual.  It was a manual that pretty much told you what you needed to do to be a contributing member of society.  To me, it was just the most interesting thing in the world compared to everything I've been reading lately, I finished it within a few days and started applying a lot of those principles in my own life.  A small but noticeable flame emerging from my chest.  A desire to go out and do was blossoming.

Sunday came rolling along.  Church was over, and I swapped companions for the rest of that day.  With this missionary, we were heading up to the hilltops of Anaheim to see an Easter Devotional 20 or so miles away from church.  While driving up, we were talking and it seems like this missionary was going through a rather difficult time with his actual companion-- I really wished I could tell him what to do, but all I could do was understand-- this same companion was mine not too long ago.  So kind of in a really distraught state of mind, this missionary didn't want to quite go into the Devotional with the face that he was conveying.  So, we talked some more in the car, me pretty much telling him things that he already seemed to know (him being 6 years my age), and ended with a prayer of solace.

Gilbert Arizona Temple

Through that prayer, there was a voice kind of mashing incoherent words together until an understandable phrase uttered out of my mouth: "is your desire [to serve the Lord, continue my mission, turn that frown upside down, act upon the diligence and testimony of the church] stronger than your current problem?"  In that little instant, my mind flashed to several things: the day I was confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  The day I beheld an LDS temple for the first time.  The day I heard the announcement that enabled me to go on my mission the time I decided to go.  These memories hit me with a lucidity so clear that I felt as if I was walloped by an invisible force-- the Holy Spirit.  I could not deny the feelings I had in each instance.  They were real.  The burning in my chest grew back into the wildfire I've known it before.  It was simply amazing the feeling I had back.  With such a force, I couldn't not deny the truth of what the Church was teaching.

With that in mind, here I am.  I have a desire to serve in a greater capacity than ever before.  From such a trying experience, the lesson I learned was that it's up to God whether or not He wants you to know the things that you know, even if you come seeking.  The thing is, if you want to come to know the truth that you have questioned all this time, it won't just come through prayer-- sure it helps. but it's the diligence of treasuring up the Words of God and acting upon it that will ultimately fuel spiritual growth.  God'll answer your prayer only if you act upon what you desire.  For me, that was cracking the Bible every day and just trying to understand what it could offer me.  It turned out that God had led me to that manual.

I have a spiritual witness of the divinity of the work.  Through it and the truth that can be bestowed, we can all find happiness.  Mormons are always happy for a reason-- it isn't just a rumor.